Daunting piles of assignments (yet not giving me a guarantee that I'll be prepared), long to-do list, each assignment taking longer than expected, unpredictable & unfavourable weather, rising & falling motivation and energy levels, tutors & teachers that no longer gave me assurance of doing well, Delayed Sleep Phase Syndrome, time constraints, caffeine & supplements not working much, attention span very short, and so far at most 40% of work is completed. I'm tired. I'm at a loss. I occasionally feel so nauseous. I don't know what to do. O Levels are 10 days away, and yet I'm still not prepared. There's no guarantee at all to where I may go after O Levels. I'm so sick of taking examinations that totally determines my life-and-death of my future opportunities. I hate the way Singapore's education system centres itself around major examinations, the way that the government rewards the elites for being elite and have forgotten about us, and the way that in terms of qualifications the major examinations are being relied on too heavily for admission into anywhere. An inherited British-patterned education that spares little thought for students. Because of this, I wanted to take the International Baccalaureate Program after this hurdle, because it has better international university entrance recognition than the A Levels, but without that big fateful examination at the end, more subjects to choose from, and much better paced than the A Levels, but again, the government makes it difficult by only setting up 1 IB World School in a local elite school, so you 1) pay with an O Level cut-off-point of 5, plus grueling hours and facing the snobbish attitude of ACS (Independent), 2) pay up literally tens of thousands of dollars to international schools offering the program (where the money could be used to pay for university instead), not forgetting you need government's permission and more relaxed hours are not guaranteed, or 3) forget about it. Why are there so limited opportunities in Singapore? Even Malaysian students have a choice of taking UEC if not wanting to take the STPM, and entrance to an international school is much easier. Why does the Singapore government have so much confidence in its local education system (just because some bright kids from elite schools are stronger in Maths & Science than the Americans) that alternatives are almost impossible? What about the rest of us? Just throw us in Polytechnics and lousy Junior Colleges? Can we stop creating a culture here? If I have a child in the future, I'm definitely not putting him/her through Singapore schooling & National Service (if my child is male). And I'll make sure he/she'd be born in North America to do that.
I've been strucked by unluckiness lately. On Wednesday, I went to school, but when I reached, I realised some of my things are at home. So I had to go home and take it and go back to school, wasting over 1 hour to do so (and make my teacher wait for 1 hour), because transportation is taking their own sweet time (buses) or charging too much (taxis). I was so pissed off. What did I do to deserve making double trips? Why should my forgetfulness take over me? Why can't my life be any easier? Why can't Auntie Russel be more sympathetic and help me with at least a part of the double trips? And yet again today I reached Toa Payoh only to realise I don't have money. Why is destiny/fate making me suffer? Is it yearning to control my life and future by taking over my responding emotions? This 'series of unfortunate events' is driving me to my grave very early, especially if there's more to come. Why do I have this kind of 'This Is Life' kind of unluckiness? Where has the world come to? I'm seriously going crazy.
I have discovered earlier this week the reasons behind my thinking, behaviour & problems. Everything boils down to 3 inner sources: Yearning for attention, teenage raging hormones and paranoia. So these 3 are responsible for me being critical towards the education system & National Service policies, posting pessimistic comments everywhere on the web (especially Facebook), my dreams of leaving Singapore for good, feeling lonely in class, relationships with family, etc. More detail after my O Levels.
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