After the exam, I was hungry, and as pathetic (or what other words can I use?) as it may sound, I wanted to join my classmates (or anybody) for lunch, but as I expected I was not asked out, even though I was right in front of them. So I followed them far behind to the food court, and act as if I'm eating on my own coincidentally in the same place as them. When I was ordering food, Alvin saw me & invited me to sit with them, so I agreed, albeit doubtfully (it's true!). Because they were rather neutral & quiet when I sat down with them, I felt like I wasn't comfortable to intrude their meal. We didn't talk much at all, and I was quiet definitely not because I don't like talking to them, but because I was figuring out the right words and the right time to talk (this apples to all other times when I seem quiet). But I didn't even have a chance to talk, as a while later they got up from their seats and left me eating in a lurch. Only Siravit & Alvin was nice enough to say bye to me. Still I was feeling upset already (definitely not because I find it rude, but because I'm actually forgotten). When I walked to the bus stop I strapped my headphones over my head and boarded the same bus as they were boarding. When I alighted at Serangoon Gardens (also where they were alighting), I quickly ran away in the opposite direction of where they were going to the video rental shop, 'crying' without tears. 'Sigh'.
You know something? This is the result of the past. My history and our history as classmates. I have to reveal this since I'm seriously getting very upset with the way my classmates are treating me. I know (or realized long ago), they are not bad people at all, but still, because of their misunderstanding of me, they are now too formal & polite to me, and do not treat me like one of them. Even some of the teachers in the school are like that. Was there a rumour spreading around in school about me? I'm sick & tired of them giving me 'falsified' acceptance, and at other times giving me the silent treatment while facing their backs towards me. I'm not their boss, a 'little emperor', a 'model'/obedient/'over-mature' kid, or arrogant of my supposedly upscale background. This year particularly, I've tried my best to accept them, be part of them, create friendships with them, etc, despite having trouble with my confidence & courage to show the real me. It's just too bad they don't see my motives, as I yearn for their acceptance. It seems like everytime I include myself in their clique (in school or outside), I'm being overly-inclusive, or when I invite them to my birthday party & barbeque, I'm trying to show off my surface life or my stuff. There is progress in my friendship but they might be distancing themselves away from me because I whine too much and saw my pessimistic comments on Facebook. Why do I look like I'm anti-social? Why are they scared of me? Is my face/body language saying something else? I learnt from Jay McGraw's Life Strategies For Teens, in the 'We Teach People How To Treat Us' chapter, that if I treat myself with misery & negativity, they will do the same to me. Could this be a reason? Or since they clearly don't understand me at all, they simply don't know how to treat me, so they don't approach me at all or be formal while only talking to me the essential things? Maybe they are scared of me because when we first started out in Sec 3, I created a scene in the Sec 3 Camp & excluded myself from the program (as a retribution to the organisers who forced me into the camp), plus I threw tantrums not once but a few times in Math class where she over scolds to the point I couldn't take it, when I fell into depression in April 2008, when I had issues with coming to school (including questioning authorities about every single thing), when I skipped lessons, when I often excused myself to go to the school counsellor, when I had CCA problems, when I portrayed (intentionally or not) a sulking/emotional face, when I severed ties and ridiculed with Wilson and Marcus (what was everyone thinking when I did that?), when I was mentally disturbed by Darryl & Thaddeus, etc. I admit I didn't have a good impression of my classmates at the start as well and was a little suspicious of them(not because of arrogance), but I soon realise they are not bad people either. Do I look like I'm centering my world in theirs? Do I look like I'm ranking my social position above them? They seriously don't understand my life & past; just because I have a big house, my parents can afford a chalet in the middle of July, and my family look peaceful, they think I live in a perfect background, so they think I'm after all arrogant. REALITY CHECK: It's my painful growing up years in a conflicting environment of ideas among family members, plus my troubled history that have created me for what I am today. I was 'reportedly' a troublesome baby, I was probably crying 300 times a year in my toddler age, in Primary 1 I was tamed by an understanding form teacher, in the rest of my Primary school years I was still trying to fight off unnecessary tears both at home & in school, finding my real friends (which I fortunately had), challenging the arrogance of girl gangs & the better classes, resisting the cane my father was still using as an easy but unreasonable way out, being violent to my siblings, unsuccessfully attempted my first suicide in Primary 3, went to a psychiatrist who told my mother, "there's something wrong with him which we're unable to decipher but he'll outgrow it as he grows up", in Sec 1 & 2 tried to fight off harassing by a few classmates (and was upset not because I'm bullied, but because of my inability to respond properly), and more. And these 2 years I had problems at home that included fights with my father over the computer, the room, the handphone, his unreasonability, etc. In fact, if not for my high IQ (not boasting!) I would have Down's syndrome, Autism, or any other mental illness/disorder (although Personality Disorders are possible regardless of IQ). You may tell me at this point, "don't think so much", "don't get upset over little things", " don't exaggerate/percieve/be paranoid/sensitive", but the thing is I've experienced too much of it to not get upset about it, and if I don't vomit out my thoughts, it'll seriously plague my O Levels next week. Back to my classmates, I'm tired of trying, because no matter what, both parties know I don't fit in, so I give up. There's simply no point of going on trying to include myself. And whenever I feel extremely lonely in class, I'd remember a theory given to me by a Facebook quiz result which seems to make sense,"You have good friends, but they're not your type." So from now on, whenever they don't want me in, I encourage them to clearly request me to not include myself, and not feel guilty about upsetting me. But I still acknowledge that at least a few of them are not like that; for that I'm really grateful for your willingness. As for the rest, I have decided if they like it better this way, I'll close my friendship with them, till we meet again later in life. NOTE: I'm not writing this out of self pity, it's how I really feel about this situation.
Due to my 'traumatic' past, I was comparing my school life with my American cousin's school life, and complained that I was not in the USA to get a chance to enjoy a much more enjoyable high school life. Since evidence & relatives warn me against having the principle that the grass is always greener on the other side of the globe, I thought about entering the USA at another life phase, so I explored the university option. Since I was extremely impressed by the 'paradise' of university life, my dream was born. There are too many reasons why I want to go there, but the core ones are to leave all traces of my horrid past behind, start a new life, totally change my social life forever, be able to access to all the opportunities & availability not known in Singapore, show everyone I know that I'm not 'over' or 'gone case' yet, just because of my errors/problems in my past & present, as well as to avoid going to re-service; doing so is going against my morales. But way before I was thinking about America, when I was in Primary 3, I was already impressed with Toronto for its high standard of living, good quality of life, proximity to the USA, 4 seasons, multiculturalism, peace, crime free records, etc., and I had an ambition to go there to live one day. This idea still lives till today, but now that I'm more impressed with USA, plus doing a reality check on the liveabiltity of USA, I'm convinced to go to USA first before retreating to Toronto permanantly. I know some people think I'm blind to the reality of the USA, i.e. the guns, racism/second class citizen treatment, local problems, etc., but I know these problems. It's because I understand the real America that I still want to go there. I have been using the thought of America to combat my loneliness, sadness, depression, hopelessness, to cheer myself up, but I know that sometimes I get overly paranoid with this desire. That's why I sometimes appear to use USA as an escape route from my difficulties in Singapore. And I'm not the only one. Yesterday in the waiting area after the Paper 5 exam, I discovered Benjamin also have dreams to go to the USA (mainly because of basketball). He even told me he wished he was born there so that he had a chance to be taller for basketball, and he looks forward to his trip to California this November, just like mine in December 2007. And oh yes, my 2007 California vacation also made me fall in love with the USA, especially on our first night in San Francisco's nightly atmosphere, the road trips, and friendly locals (particularly the Chinese). I just love it! Imagine everytime I take leave from school/work in the future I can do this. The country is simply too attractive to trun any offer/opportunity down. But of course, if I'm one day tired of the wilder culture of America, I can always move up north to Toronto, where my 'praises' of Canada is another story altogether. The point here is I'm not going to America because I want people to appreciate/miss/treasure me more (at least not now), or because I hate Singapore or National Service for causing me problems & worries (I do not have any grudges), but it's seriously time for me/my turn to find my place in the world, where I truly belong.
Auntie Russel left permanently today at 6.30 am on Jetstar Airways flight 3K651 bound for Manila's Ninoy Aquino International Airport. This marks the end of her career as a maid. And everyone's going to miss her, because she's no ordinary maid (care to add her on Friendster and Facebook? or perhaps invite her to play a guitar in your next concert?). She saw me grow up for the past 8 years (essentially half of my life) and now she has returned, my chest feels very heavy. I couldn't do much the whole day, because things are never going to be the same again. And something worth mentioning: After saying goodbye to so many people so many times for the past 2 years, I really cannot take it anymore. I cannot continue to be 'heartbroken' for the rest of my life. I want to join all these people whom I've said goodbye to for the past 2 years in their travels or lives around the world. It'll feel a lot different if you are the one travelling and not the one who's stuck in 1 country and saying goodbyes all the time. And that would be another reason why I want to leave Singapore as soon as my turn comes to borad with a one-way ticket.For now, let's play a song as a 'tribute' to her 8 years in Singapore, as well as a song to 'remorse' the status of my friendships with my classmates:
Translation:
IF I COULD ONLY GO BACK
Oh how I've wasted the precious moments we once had.
You were already in my life, why did I look for someone else
And now I realize that you're the one I'm longing for
I regret all my actions (of ever doubting you)
Why are regrets always at the end
What has already passed can never be recaptured
What a waste, why did I doubt for even a moment?
And now here I am, crying from regret.
Chorus:
If I could only go back
To the love you once had (for me)
I would nurture and care for it.
If I could only go back
To the way our world used to be
The only thing I'd ever want is to be with you always
What a waste, why did I doubt for even a moment.
And now here I am, crying from regret.
(repeat chorus)
Coda:
If I could only go back
To the way our world used to be,
The only thing I'll ever want is to be with you
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