The past week

Saturday, 12th September. I went to the StudyUSA college fair. I was initially disappointed that none of my favourite universities (my 'reach' and 'ballpark' schools) were there, and except for Indiana-Purdue University, I knew nothing about the other universities there. But I decided to take the opportunity to get to know about these 'unknown' colleges, and so far I'm considering to put some of the schools in my favourite colleges list.

On the night of the same day, a fight blew up between me and my father (again). My nap during dinner time triggered it. It all started when I, angry at how he tried to demoralised me with hurtful words when he woke me up from my nap, and determined to be more assertive to his ways for once, took away his Starhub smart card for cable TV, an item he cannot survive with (while he thinks I can survive without computer). Then when he realised it was missing, I picked up some courage, held it in front of him, and threatened that if he come any nearer to me or don't change his ways I will damage the card or throw it out of the window. The moment was very tense. I complained I'm in this state because of him. Then when even more threats and hurtful words came out of his mouth, I bent the card in half, and held the card at the window. He slammed the door shut, and I screamed again that every bad trait I have was from him, including stubborness, as he used these bad traits on me when he raised me up. I started to leak tears. He finally shut up for a while. Then he spoke again, saying he really don't know what to do with me. He also tried to talk about all the problems, but knowing that nothing is going to change (especially about him and his ways, due to his stubborness and not acknowledging his errors), I said I preferred not to hear. When I finally came out, I went to where Aunty Russel was ironing clothes and burst into tears non-stop for almost an hour. I came out later and felt too lousy to do anything, so my mother asked me to go over and talk. She said there is some sort of inner conflict between the boys in the house and she just can't figure it out. She also said everytime she sees me in this state, she felt like a failure. She continued that she probably didn't do enough to ensure I grow up successful and happy (which I denied) and giving an example with Jia Yuan, she said she will now on support me whatever I do, my dreams are, and my desires/wishes are, instead of being critical like my father. That means she agreed to send me to Kuala Lumpur for over a week in November, sign me up for SATs, and in the long term, send me to USA to study via continuous preparation along the way. I felt much better after that.

Tuesday, 15th September. I came back from my first paper of Additional Maths, and I was panicking! I did badly for Paper 1, and this became urgent as firstly, I only have 6 subjects, all of them to be included in the L1R5 scoring system, unlike my other classmates, who have 7, so they can easily dispose 1 subject for O Levels if they are to go to Junior College, but I can't. I need all of them. I have been stuck at the F9 trap ever since I took up A Maths last year, even though I have continuously investing in assesment books and tuition, plus an average of 45% of study time spent on only A Maths. And at this time of the year, I should be more comfortable with the subject, but I wasn't. I don't want to point fingers again, but because of the looming D&T deadline at that time, I sacrificed all my study time and energy for the coursework, so when the project was done, I had only 2 weeks to Prelims! Also in Term 3, teachers seemed to do the bare minimum for the A Maths students, probably knowing that so many are going to fail anyway, and these people are probably going to polytechnics anyway (which means they can skip 2/7 subjects), so they don't really bother to give intensive revision, just giving out past year exam papers like flyers. Then what about me? Or the rest of the people who have only 6 subjects and wants to go to Junior Colleges, even prestigious ones? It also seems those who are passing are the ones having some form of good maths tuition, or naturally have a flair in Maths. And not all having tuition are passing either (like me). So all that panicking, rushing, and energy drain before and during Prelims, and that's probably how I screwed up some of my papers, including A Maths. I had an insecurity over my place in any JC (let alone St Andrew's Junior College), because my Prelims performance reflected my preparedness for O Levels. SAJC became more and more like a distant dream. How was I going to a prestigious American university if I don't have my last chance to excel? I didn't believe polytechnics can let me do that as well, because that is not the nature of polytechnics. And I want to stop staying at status quo and going with the flow aimlessly, and I will be extremely depressed and upset if Destiny insists on this. Getting into SAJC means I must score 1 point lower than my A Maths tuition teacher did (He got into SAJC that time also because of affiliation)! He had no problem with his A Maths at that time and got 11 points. Minusing 2 points for affiliation and 1 point for CCA, he got into SAJC's Science stream. Me? I need 10 points to go into Arts stream of SAJC, because I don't have affiliation! So I'm extremely stressed. But I still want to go in because not only would admission officers of American universities want to see me challenging myself, but also because I like it there when I visited it during its Open House in February. Maybe I'm giving myself too much pressure, maybe I overestimated my abilities, maybe I even over-worry. But I'm still very firm with my goal, and I will follow my other tutor's footsteps, from getting F9 in Prelims to A1 in O Levels. In my final battle towards O Levels, I will not take any more chances, so according to my plan I will put 100% of effort into my O Levels and hopefully the perseverance is not wasted.

I know that for a while, everyone knows that I have been complaining my life in Singapore is bad, and claim that it could be better if I go to North America. And even as people try to convince me that the grass is not always greener on the other side of the world, I am undeterred, unlike the way how I react when people complain about their suffering in National Service. Well, here is the real reason behind it: I am seeking solitude, and I need to find myself. Remaining in one country for the rest of my life proves too much for me, as I just don't fit into society here. I feel very outcasted at times. I want to find my community out there, and expand my social circle big enough to not let me feel lonely. Again, I also don't want to anyhow 'go with the flow' and blindly do reservice for 10 cycles, and be like other Singaporeans,"It'll be nice to live overseas, but I don't have money/life is so difficult to adjust/jobs are so difficult to find/life here is good enough". I want to do things I want to do, and go places I want to go. I don't want to be the average Singaporean. Yes, sometimes I get paranoid over this, but that is the only way I vent out my sufferings I'm currently experiencing. So sometimes this is an indication that I'm crying for help, yet nobody knows it. Nobody has yet to convince me why life overseas is so bad, even when trying to make the most out of this experience. Maybe they are brainwashed by government propaganda, maybe when they went overseas they did the bare minimum to survive "because it's not my country", or maybe they are just plain patriotic. Whatever it is, I'm not deterred, because only after experience then I can see whether the grass there is really greener out there, and whether my emotional objectives are fulfilled. So, 4 Chinese New Years left to my departure.

Don't worry about me continuing my complaining of 'life is greener on the other side of the world', though. From post-O Levels onwards, I will enhance my life with plans to turn my stale life around. Included as part of my plans are taking up a part time job for 2 months in December, get very involved in CCAs and activities, start finding clubs/societies/courses outside schools related to all my interests (including studying French for AP, A Levels or DELF at Alliance Français de Singapour), start university preparation (including taking SATs, going for USEIC group counselling and preparing finanicial statements), as well as studying very hard using effective study skills for A Levels, aiming for all As. I am also using the principles of Life Strategies For Teens by Jay McGraw to not only improve my life, but also to stop my over-obsession with my American education plans.

Here is a Korean song called 어떡하죠(What Should I Do) I always listen to whenever I have this feeling of wanting to go to USA in disgust (translations on the screen):