I cannot bear to admit my results, but here they are:
English: estimated B/C (I don't know my Oral results)
Elementary Maths: C5
Additional Maths: F9
Combined Science: C6
Combined Humanities: C5
Design & Technology: B3
So my L1R5 is 31 and above (ELR2B2: 22 and above). Other than unattractive polytechnic courses (except Civil Aviation of Republic Polytechnic, the only diploma that my results are eligible for and I'm somewhat attracted to) and ITE, I'm left with nowhere promising to go to if these are the kind of results I get for O Levels. I'm only left 1 month to make a miracle. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME!? I think I know why (but I'm not intending to point fingers here). Firstly, my looming Design & Technology coursework deadline in late August had made me take up at least 4 weeks away of my study time and energy that I put aside for other subjects to finish the project, which is a huge one. So when the deadline was over, I only had 1.5 weeks to study for Prelims. Secondly, in Term 3, other than (rather overdue) Plane Geometry lessons, my Maths teachers did not touch Additional Maths at all, only giving out past year exam papers like fliers. This created the impression that they think it's okay for the students to anyhow forgo the subject by doing the bare minimum and focus completely on Elementary Maths. Thirdly, too much 'trauma' occurred in Term 3 (I shall not explain it here; you know it too well). I think those are the reasons why I can't get out of status quo, and my marks remain stagnant, but I'm NOT going to let anything sabotage my preparations for O Levels anymore. I know I went paranoid over my performance with despair and hopelessness last night to the point of suicidal thoughts, but now, calmed down after a visit to Bright Hill Monastery, I'm confident I will break free from this trap. I'm going to work 3 times harder, 7 hours and at least 5 assignments (topical chapters or exam papers of various subjects) per day from now on. No kidding, even if my mental health deteriorates I'm not going to care (but of course I still need to maintain my motivation, wakefulness and alertness to maximise performance). I cannot fall prey to typicality anymore. There's much to catch up, and I believe that a miracle will happen, so I have not given up on the thought of St. Andrew's Junior College at 9 points (although, I'll be satisfied if I can get into any Junior College at all). Don't tell me that going to polytechnic will still stand a chance to get into a prestigious American university; I've emailed them. Most got confused or don't know what I'm talking about (not because my English is poor!), but as for those who recognise, they are not so willing to give advanced standings, furthermore, I don't think I'll fit into the polytechnic society very well.
I know that some people still don't get it. I've said many times that I'm leaving for USA or Canada NOT because I'm escaping the 'cruel' life in Singapore. True, I may have a miserable life, but sometimes I use the thoughts of leaving to curb depression and suicidal thoughts, and to give me some hope and motivation, not always because I believe that life is better overseas. That's why I'm still alive today. No matter what or where I am, the ultimate goal is to find my true happiness in this world. Nobody can tell me where I should be to be truly happy, and I'm leaving to search the world to find out. It's just like keeping a pet. For example, you adopt a stray cat from a village. Then you bring it back home to your apartment. You treat it like a king of the house. But does that guarantee true happiness for the cat? What if one day the pet discovers an opportunity to escape the house and runaway? Then what does that show you? Its true happiness is to be free and independent, not confined from the rest of the world, even though it's treated like a king, and although some cats would stay to be loyal with their owner, other cats like this would runaway. But it has no intention of being ungrateful for the good treatment. This is my exact position right now. I realise I can't find true happiness in Singapore if I don't get out there and find it. Also another reason why I hate National Service is they'd force-brainwash me to be loyal/patriotic to the country. Disloyal/unpatriotic does not equal to ungrateful. So it's crucial that you understand and respect my decision, although I won't force you if you choose to remain firm with your perception of me (in fact, I don't care if you are stubborn, just don't disturb me). Ask questions if you're still confused/curious/unnerved.
Read my older blog post and listen to my songs as well.
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