The fear now sets in...

The past few days have been 'traumatic' for me. It was a struggle to get my Design & Technology artefact done and finally it is on Tuesday! But that's not all. I still unexpectedly had a whole lot of additions to my Design Journal, making me stay up on Wednesday night till 2am and stay back after school yesterday until 5.30pm. Then now I have 2 Presentation Boards to finish before the national deadline on Monday/Tuesday. And this week I also have 5 ill-timed class tests. Because I was so busy with the Design Journal, Artefact and Presentation Boards, I have no time to study for the tests (that's if I can still remember anything about the tests). Then when poor results come back, teachers will blame me, and my morale is lowered, furthermore that would be just before the Prelims, when confidence is needed the most. Then yet another hypersensitive family quarrel took place last night, when I'm all worn out. In the O Level English Paper 3 Oral Exam on Wednesday, I thought I did very well despite a little stuttering and a little shock at the first conversational question asked. But the next day, I was informed our marks have been sabotaged as one of the examiners was irritated at (particularly) somebody's noise in the examining hall. Now I can't get more than 30/40 for this component, meaning I have to put in more effort in my English Papers 1 & 2, which getting an A1 with a Paper 3 score like that looks nearly impossible. What the hell is going on!? I'm not Superman, you know. Rather I'd be Hyperman if this continues. And I've scheduled a session with the counsellor at Shan You Centre on Tuesday, hopefully it will shed some light on all my problems in the world.

I have a feeling people in my school (both teachers and classmates) are being too nice (formal, friendly, etc) to me, yet in the end they don't look like they are interested in becoming friends me, thus the loneliness, because it's very obvious that they treat their other acquaintances very differently, by being humble, fun, comedic, etc. It is definitely because they have that impression that I'm very emotional, childish, boring, anti-social, hot tempered, clumsy, different attitudes and/or unable to blend in/adapt. To tell you the truth, I'm very grateful that they are trying to accommodate me by being nice and make me feel welcome and interested by attending my birthday party and chalet, but nowadays the more they try to treat me like an emo-kid, the more I feel uncomfortable and lonely, because it seems like our friendships are fake, while they are naturally themselves to their 'true' friends. It seems that the Facebook quiz is correct this time when it said,"You have good friends, but they are probably not your type." I don't know how to handle this; if I do something about it, like telling them straight, the outcome will be very complicated. Some will understand, some will turn their backs on me. And the latter will be due to so many reasons that I have to face one by one. I really don't know what to do...but one thing's for sure: I will NEVER show my emotional side to my future classmates. NEW INFORMATION: I can tell that from my classmates' ignorance, they probably do not know how else to treat me. Maybe what I really want, is them to see me the way they did when we first started out as strangers last year, before I threw any tantrums. Or maybe restart the whole thing all over again. But the whole idea here is to remove all kinds of awkwardness on both sides so that all of us can be friends naturally. And also I'm not here to request or force friendships, asking for more, complain, or critisize. That's unethical, and won't make any genuine friendships. Thus this is what I hope they will understand. I may be even more lonely in class now, but ultimately, they have to decide for themselves, whether they want to be in my social circle to feel unguilty, they want me to be in their social circle as genuine friends, or both, so that there's a win-win situation. Then I can see who really wants to be real friends with me. Currently, I am upgrading my social skills with my counsellor, so that I will also, in the future, claim responsibility of my loneliness, rather than just blame others for not wanting to socialise with me, which is also unethical. And eventually I will find a best friend/group of friends I can keep for as long as possible.

Prelims are in 12 days, O Levels are in 50+ days, and because of my D&T coursework I'm far from ready. I'm really going to be in a state of panic, because my self revision assignments are 2 weeks late. And only recently I've got the effective exam preparation techniques from Tiffany, which the message she gave me was:"hey! haha glad to answer your qns:)anw, it wasn't a matter of how long i studied (i didn't really count anw) but i kind of did consistent work all the way. But anw its not too late now...i suggest that when you come home after school, take a one hour break - eat, bathe etc., then start revision until like 11 den sleep. every 3 hours or so can take like a half an hour break ---but don't turn it into a 3 hours break haha! anw, i wrote notes like summary of each chapter so that like just before the exam, can just read through the main points. Writing a summary requires u to read through the whole chapter so its kinda studying too...and taking out wad's impt.:)Yup, i did the 10 year series but i also did a lot of other school papers. It is better if u study one chapter first den u do the 10 year series on that chapter without referring to your notes...to test yourself if u really understand that chapter.Another thing...motivating yourself is impt too. what i did was that i pasted a piece of paper on my cupboard telling myself not to slack and go study and wrote the L1R5 that i aimed for big big so that whenever i open my cupboard, then i can see it and remind myself haha:) Aim high:)Anw...believe in yourself and stop posting such pessimistic comments on your facebook haha!Anw...wad did u get for your mid-years?(...) haha ...anw...jiayous. I also very scared for my promos.which is is 1 month time and i hardly have time to study and i haven't started haha! and then also got PW which takes up a lot of time!and so i'm quite dead too----and very worried haha!jiayou to you and me too! haha:) anymore qns can just come and ask me:) Good luck and remain optimistic!" There's little time left, and I'm overly worried: How am I supposed to get into St. Andrew's or Nanyang Junior College if this is happening? Hopefully following her advice will help.
This song is a song based on the meaning of friendship, sung by Christina Aguilera. Look out for the English version in my Facebook profile.


Lyrics:
Cuando estoy por caer,
yo se que tu amor me volvera a socorrer,
vencere el temor
mientras sepa que tu sientes
dentro lo mismo que yo
en el dolor el bien tu me supiste amar
y lo que soy es por ti sin dudar...

Eres mi proteccion, mi sosten
frente a todo mi mejor opcion,
por siempre tu...
mi poder, mi valor,
a travez de lo peor,
mi luz mi cielo azul
mi gran amor aun
por siempre tu...

No hay ningun amanecer
que no me despierte sin saber
que te sone, soy por ti muy feliz
en mi alma para siempre
hay un sitio para ti
no importe donde este
tu amor me encontrara
iluminando mi ser mi oscuridad

Eres mi(Eres mi) proteccion(proteccion), mi sosten
frente a todo mi mejor opcion,(frente a todo mi mejor opcion)
por siempre tu...(por siempre tu)
mi poder(mi poder), mi valor, a travez de lo peor,
mi gran amor aun
por siempre tu...

Mi guardian sera refujio de tu querer,
la fe que me ara creer que vale mi vida,
un hogar al cual por siempre volvere te amo
Por siempre tu...solo tu

Eres mi proteccion, mi sosten
frente a todo mi mejor opcion,(to mi mejor opcion)
por siempre tu...(por siempre tu)
mi poder(mi poder), mi valor, a travez de lo peor
mi luz, mi cielo azul (mi luz cielo azul)
mi gran amor aun (mi gran aun)
mi luz, mi cielo azul
mi gran amor aun
por siempre tu...

Translation (The 'love' here refers to friends' love) :
FOREVER YOU

When I am about to fall,
i know that your love will return to aid me
i will overcome the fear
while you know that you feel
the same as me inside
in pain, you knew to love me well
and what i am is for you without doubt...

you are my protection, my support
in front of everyone, my best option,
forever you..
my will, my worth
through the worst thing,
my light, my blue sky,
my greatest love still
forever you...

there is no dawn
that doesn't wake me up without knowing
that i dreamt of you, i am very happy with you
in my soul forever
there is a place for you
it's not important where it is
your love will find me
illuminating my being, my darkness

you are my (you are my) protection (protection), my support
in front of everyone, my best option (in front of everyone, my best option)
forever you... (forever you)
my will, my stregnth, through the worst thing
my greatest love still
forever you..

my guardian will be sheltered by your care
the faith that plows me to believe that my life has value,
a home to which i will always return, my love,
forever you...

(you are my protection, my support)
in front of everyone, my best option
forever you..
my will, my worth, through the worst thing
my light, my blue sky
my greatest love still
my light, my blue sky
my greatest love still
forever you...